Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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