You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
