If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize