why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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