The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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