Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
