this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
