if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
