Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
