why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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