I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
