Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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