dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
