If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
