I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
