the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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