toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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