she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
