hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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