That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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