The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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