totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
