Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
