it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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