the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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