I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
