i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
