How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
