This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
