all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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