i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
