Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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