bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
