You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
