my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
