woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize