I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Randomize
