Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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