Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
home. puking in laundry basket.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
