I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
