Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he was CRYING into my vagina
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
