after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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