I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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