barbara walters just said penis...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
