she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
