At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
