Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
false alarm, still single
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
