when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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