Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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