where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
