my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize