I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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