Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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