My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
