She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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