After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
