I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
